Saturday, January 3, 2015

revations of an undefined

I don't know what I want to be, but I have had a singular ultimate goal.  I have never been bored, somewhat disinterested maybe, but never bored.  There has been always so much at hand that it can make your head spin.  I am a dabbler.  I have said it, I am a dabbler.  I have never become an expert at anything.  I go full tilt on things that I want to do, become somewhat proficient, and then move on.  I am a 52 year old kid with ADD.  I have been truly blessed by being afforded the many opportunities to find out just what it is I want to be, but have never found it.  I may not have found a vocation that suits me completely, I have many avocations.  I have had visions of grandeur but never had achievement.

I was prompted with the question of whether or not I would give over the task of "Christmas" and all that it entails.  I was told that I would not have to do anything but arrive, on time.  There were so many things running through my head that I needed to sit down and think.  I don't know if I could do it, really do it.  I might think about handing it over in the middle of doing a thousand things that need to be done to host our annual 3-4 day Christmas holiday, but to actually do it, I think not.  I said that being the keeper of the holidays, the keeper of the tradition, is my purpose.  It is my purpose.  If I don't then I don't have a purpose.  I also realized that I am terrified of being useless.  My ultimate goal could never be achieved. 

So I have decided that I am.  I may never be the most successful at a specific task, I have tried to be the best that I could be at what I could be.  I have opened my home, my family, my heart, and my life to one and all without ever thinking that malice and deceit would ever accompany, and it most assuredly did, in the hope of achieving the unachievable.  I have decided that I can't hold onto what I don't have in my hands, and brave though the rest. 

Lesson learned.

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