Saturday, March 15, 2014

in due time.....

Sometimes, well most times, I take longer than others.  Usually I lollygag around, take my time, put a lot of thought and effort into what I do.  I take forever thinking about how I feel, what I want to feel, and the end result.  I love to make plans, I love to do the research, find the ingredients or items that will enhance whatever it is that I am planning.  I love to talk to people about what I want to do.  I love to talk to people period.  In the past I have had hour long telephone conversations with people I don't even know that I called by misdialling.   I live under the misassumption that since I remember the telephone calls, they will remember the calls and talking me.  I hope against hope that they do, and that somehow I am memorable. 

I self-deprecate, I think that if I own up to my faults in a funny, silly, joking way, then they are not so bad.  I don't know if it is good or bad, it is just the way that I am.  If I wear my faults as a badge of honor, own up to them, predicate everything, then me and them are not so bad.  I am not so delusional as to think that everyone thinks of me kindly.  I try, more oft than not, to think that I am well liked or even loved.  I don't like to think that I am hated because it would hurt, I don't like to hurt.  I have thought that if I treated people with care and love, then they would like me and treat me with kindness and respect, but it is not the case.  I now know that people can be nice to my face, profess friendship and love, do and say things that make me think that they are true, but in reality, they really do despise me, show complete disregard, and utter malice.  They have a hidden agenda to be in my company to get what they want.  It is not a good lesson to learn, it is really crappy to know, and sometimes it takes my breath away to know that people who profess to care are vipers in the grass.

In my own time I will learn who to trust, and what to be wary of.  I will, as always look for the good, but never make excuses for bad behavior exhibited by me or anyone else ever again.  It is a mighty hard lesson to be learned at my advanced age, mighty hard.  I have spent far too much time believing in good, when evil is always lurking.  Waiting to rear their ugly head.  I take responsibility for my faults, imperfections, and shortcomings.  I have never claimed to be all that, I am and will always be a work in progress.  I will strive to be the best that I can possibly be, but never at somebody else's expense.  I will not belittle, begrudge, or mock someone else to make myself feel better, because that is wrong.  We do not grow off of someone else's pain.  Especially when we are the cause of the pain.  I take responsibility for all of my actions, whether they be good or bad.  I am the only person that is responsible for what I do.  I blame no one for what I have done, only me.

I will plan for things that I want to do, and places I would like to go, in much of the same manner that I have always have.  I will be excited, thrilled, and enthusiastic about every adventure that will come this way, and I promise I will be sad if some never come to fruition, because that is me.  I will make peace with the sadness, and make something good come out of it.  I am terribly resilient that way.  I will make the best of it all.  I need to do that for me. 



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